=== Killswitch Engage ===
Completely re-written the past 2-3 days, would like helpful comments to get it to GA. Thanks. M3tal H3ad (talk) 07:35, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
LuciferMorgan
Comments There are too many long sentences, ones that would stop this progressing beyond GA status. They need cutting into two sentences. For example;
- "Receiving mostly positive reviews, Jon Caramanica of Rolling Stone called the album a "stunning collection, retaining much of their signature musical brutality", and Ed Rivaria of All Music Guide commented "riff upon riff are piled sky-high into each number that follows, it's the unpredictable rhythmic shifts used to build and then relieve internal pressure that fuel the Killswitch Engage power source".[18]"
- "The End of Heartache was released on May 11, 2004, and peaked at number 21 on the Billboard 200 with sales of 38,000 in its first week,[15] and peaked at number 39 on the Australian album chart following an Australian tour with Anthrax.[16]"
- "The album's first single, "My Curse", peaked at number 21 spot on the Hot Mainstream Rock chart, "The Arms of Sorrow" entered at number 31."
These are just examples, indicative of a wider problem. Ceoil is busy right now at FAR, and then will be copyediting Undisputed Attitude. Following that, I think you should request a thorough copyedit from him. Despite making the odd typo, his copyediting skills are quite good.
- "A cover of Dio's "Holy Diver" originally recorded for a Kerrang! compilation album titled High Voltage,[25] peaked at number 13 number 19 on the Mainstream Rock charts.[26]" - "Number 13 number 19"? I don't understand this, so this may be a typo that needs correction.
- "The DVD went gold on April 8, 2006 for sales over 50,000.[17]" - Where it did go gold? Germany? France?
- "Cosmo Lee of Stylus Magazine commented "the album is astonishingly badly sequenced", although thought it contributed to the album being "less emotionally heavy-handed, and a lot more fun.[23]" - Where are the quotation marks at the end of this sentence?
- "Severson who works as a website developer at Roadrunner Records, handed Killswitch Engage to several Roadrunner Record representatives." - "Severson who works"? Don't you need a comma between "Severson" and "who works"?
- "Mixed in March, the album was titled Alive or Just Breathing after lyrics in the song "Just Barely Breathing",[5] and increased the band's exposure and peaking at number 37 on the Top Heatseekers chart.[6]" - "Peaking"? Don't you mean "peaked"? Furthermore, this is yet another example of an overly long sentence.
- "As of November 27, 2007, As Daylight Dies has sold more than 300,000 units.[24]" - In the US maybe, but not worldwide. Your source is Billboard, so therefore can only make statements as regards US sales. In short, this is a misleading statement.
Needs work if you wish to take this to FAC. LuciferMorgan (talk) 09:54, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
- Wow, I'm getting real sloppy..thanks for the comments as always :) M3tal H3ad (talk) 13:36, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
- Taking note of your last comment, do you think it could be an FA? with more work of course. M3tal H3ad (talk) 13:57, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
- If I'm to be brutally frank, your main weakness has always been prose. With a great copyeditor, all of your GA articles could be FA (including The Blackening. If this specific article went to FAC, there'd be a few objectors based on the writing. That's why I suggested seeing if Ceoil can help. LuciferMorgan (talk) 16:17, 19 December 2007 (UTC)
- "The album received mostly positive reviews, with Jon Caramanica of Rolling Stone called the album a "stunning collection, retaining much of their signature musical brutality".[21]" - Read the sentence. You need to replace the word "called" with "calling". LuciferMorgan (talk) 11:36, 21 December 2007 (UTC)
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 01:20, 19 December 2007 (UTC)
J Milburn
I see LM has already given a rather comprehensive review, but I'll have a read through.
- "Killswitch Engage has attended the Ozzfest, Download Festival, Warped Tour, Reading and Leeds Festivals, and is scheduled to continue touring until April 2008." I was under the impression it was 'Ozzfest', as opposed to 'the Ozzfest', and that list doesn't seem qite right. I would recommend moving the last entry to the start, plus other tweaks- "Killswitch Engage has attended Reading and Leeds Festivals, Ozzfest, Download Festival and the Warped Tour, and is scheduled to continue touring until April 2008."
- "record company Ferret Music took notice of Killswitch Engage and signed the band to its label." Ferret Music is the label, isn't it? Or have I missed a difference between 'record company' and 'record label'?
- "While on tour, Leach's voice was unable last the full set according to D’Antonio." I don't like this sentence. How about "According to D'Antonio, Leach's voice was unable to last the full set while touring." Perhaps even mention the specific interview.
- You say that reviews of The End of Heartache were mostly positive- perhaps mention some of the criticism?
- "The award was given to Motorhead for "Whiplash"." Motörhead!
- "released on the WWE Wreckless Intent album" Album name should be in italics.
- "Decibel Magazine contributor Nick Terry" Link to Decibel Magazine.
- "said "To call As Daylight Dies addictive" Again, album should be italicised (despite the fact it is a quote).
- "cover of Dio's "Holy Diver" originally" We have an article at Holy Diver (song) that would be worth linking to.
- In fact, we also have articles at My Curse (song) and The Arms of Sorrow (song) that would be worth linking from that section.
I realise that is a rather short review for me, but I don't really see anything else that needs fixing. Conversely, it doesn't seem to be featured, and I can't quite put my finger on the problem. This makes a great good article, but isn't quite at featured, and I am not honestly sure what could be done. In any case, another article which has benefited immensely from your attention- well done. J Milburn (talk) 23:34, 20 December 2007 (UTC)
- Thanks for your comments as always. I guess i would need a style and lyrical themes section for FA, and go into more detail with each album. M3tal H3ad (talk) 03:19, 21 December 2007 (UTC)
|